I Could Never Make It Beyond Basic Training

Everyone knows that Memorial Day is about two things: Barbecue and Ultimate Frisbee. But, did you know that there is also a lesser-known reason to celebrate this heralding-of-summer holiday? Yep. It’s the courageousness of those that not only fight our battles, but also possess the courage to even consider going into basic training. I’m admitting it right now: It’s one of my worst fears.

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I could never, ever, in a million years, be in the military. I guess I’m sort of  a pacifist. But I’m only a pacifist because others have laid down their lives to give me the freedom to be one. It’s truly ironic.

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1. “Rules” are only kind of like mere suggestions to me.
2. I like to wear dresses most days. Sun dresses, flower skirts, sandals. The army kinda cramps my style.
3. I cannot follow instructions without having a reasonable debate. Really guys, don’t you think we should march over to that pretty lake and have a picnic first?
4. I would constantly want to discuss the philosophy behind war. What? Climb this rope? Let me tell you a story about Wilfred Owen–a contemporary poet who wrote about the ethos of war. What? Now? Okay. Sorry. I’ll talk about it while I climb. Cool?
5. I would question tactics constantly. Because there’s always more than one way to do things. Let’s take a vote, right everyone? Shouldn’t we just be a little more open to my idea?  Really? Grenades? I think this situation calls for running and hiding. This attitude, of course, will always lead to certain death. I’ve watched Platoon and Saving Private Ryan, so I’m pretty certain I know all about military tactics and shenanigans.
6. I enjoy sleeping.
7. The whole fighting part.
8. The whole killing part: I’m not sure I could ever take another human life. Even to protect those I love (children being the exception.) Of course, I’ve never been faced with that choice either.
9. The whole dying part.
10. The Military seems pretty structured.
11. I don’t like being yelled at.
12. I would insist that people call me Starbuck.
13. I hate gyms. I hate “working out” just to workout. I like to dance. I could never do a million push ups to “work-out”. I would be so incredibly bored. by. the. repetition. of. push-ups. push-ups.  push-ups. push-ups.  push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups.
14. push-ups. push-ups. push-ups..